Nothing matters

I am so glad that I did a podcast interview with a dear friend recently.

I hadn’t expected to talk so much about the past but being in his mid twenties, it was natural for my friend to be curious about how I forged a career path and the major transitions in my twenties.

As I retraced my steps, I found myself stumbling through the memories, struggling to recall the intricate string of events that shaped my path. It seemed that whenever I mentioned event A, event B would emerge, and in discussing event B, I would realise that I had missed out on event C, which was equally significant.

However, there was a noticeable shift in energy when the conversation shifted towards community building and parenting, two areas where I fully embody myself at the moment. Speaking about these topics allowed me to speak with conviction and authenticity, without the need to worry about chronology or cause and effect.

By the end of the conversation, I experienced a profound realisation: my past has become a blur in my memory. The things that once robbed me of peace and joy during my twenties no longer hold any importance today. I reflected on the lowest moments in my life when I felt overwhelmed by helplessness and hopelessness. How would my younger self feel knowing that one day, those struggles would no longer matter? What was the purpose of going through it all? What would I have done differently if I had known?

Sitting with this truth left me in silent awe.

Ultimately, I came to the realisation that I wouldn’t change anything. I had to experience and respond to everything as I did in order to become the person I am today.

This brought to mind a scene from the movie “Everything Everywhere All At Once”. In the film, the antagonist creates an “everything bagel” where everything dear in life is placed on it — hopes, dreams, memories, and even mundane things like report cards — and declares, “nothing matters.” However, the protagonist, the antagonist’s mother, who had struggled to find fulfilment in her own unexciting life, expresses her unconditional love for her daughter and prevents her from entering the abyss.

This made me ponder the source of meaning and what truly matters. As I write this, the details of the movie fade into insignificance. What truly matters is that it made me contemplate and stirred emotions, bringing tears to my eyes. Encountering the movie for a brief moment has forever changed a part of me in the context of a lifetime.

In a way, the external world is impermanent, and it is not about me. I have no control over it. However, I am the one who lives through this impermanence and finds meaning within it.

Perhaps, this act of finding meaning is something that cannot be taken away from me.

Maybe, to live is to fully experience everything. To embrace joy, chaos, and messiness. To feel emotions and let them go, only to repeat the process.

As a full-time mother leading what may seem like an ordinary life, I sometimes contemplate what motivates me to show up every day and commit to this way of life.

The answer is pure and simple — love.

If I were an “everything bagel”, everything I have experienced would contribute to the unique seasoning of my life — the significant milestones, missed opportunities, casual weekend coffees, the books I have read, the places I have visited, the moments of changing diapers and breastfeeding, and even the times I lost my composure over tantrums. In the end, none of it truly matters. I am this one bagel, and this is my unique flavour.

If I were to give advice to myself, I would say: Have fun, enjoy the process.